[Read: How to have playful banter and keep the flirting alive forever]. . 9 out of 10 voices in my head tell me I'm crazy. Thats why Im rooting for your penis. If at first you dont succeed, try, try again. Before you marry a person, you should at least make them use a computer with a slow internet connection to find out who they really are. How much do you charge to deliver an STD? Simply type in your list of names then spin the wheel! If ignorance barrel prices go up, I want drilling rights to his head. ~ William Somerset Maugham, Dogs have no money. ~ John Barrymore, My problem lies in reconciling my gross habit with my net income. Everyone with telekinetic powers, raise my hand. "what are the odds" is synonymous with "what are the chances". A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. Given the stats on becoming a billionaire or winning the lotto, which we cover later, this is pretty good news. Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too. Or you may even be spending time in your neighborhood. A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere. Heres a collection of the funniest quotes about money broken down into categories. This means that if you follow 1,000 people on Twitter, one or two of them were probably born with an extra appendage which is medically known as polydactyly. 51. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. When responding to a compliment, make eye contact, smile, and use open gestures to reinforce your message. ~ Aristotle Onassis, Its money, I remember it from when I was single. Chance #4: One day. Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian. "OMG stop. Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. Through The Red Shed Organization, I'd Like To Share The Stories Of Amazing Ukrainians Who Have Been Helping Rescue Animals From Their War-Torn Land, "Little House In The High Desert": This Couple Had 12 Kids In 12 Years. (Closed), Artist 'Invades' Major Capitals Around The World With Fluffy And Flossy Pink Drapes And The Result Is Adorable (56 Pics), Frozen In Time: I Explored The Largest Abandoned Amusement Park In Cyprus (16 Pics), My Sister And I Create Unique Pieces Of Wearable Art With Polymer Clay, And Here Are Our Best 70 Works, My 50 Vases And Other Handmade Contemporary Pieces With A Human Face, Hey Pandas, What's The Worst Rule You've Seen Someone Actually Try To Enforce? Quincy holds an MBA from the University of Dundee and an MSc from the University of Edinburgh, and lives in San Antonio with his wife Natalie, son Alex, and his dog Oban. Especially when your parents have done it for you. Invariably they are both disappointed. Ex: We are all here on earth to help others. 100 Funny Things To Say 1. The only way youll ever get laid is if you crawl up a chickens butt and wait. Have you been thinking? If at first you dont succeed, quit. If you think you have it tough, read history books. If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? . I said, thyroid problem? BILL! 41 FUNNY Travel Quotes (2023) to MAKE you Laugh until you cry. The more money, the more interest they generate. Ive never seen such a small mind inside such a large head before. I dont mind you talking so much, as long as you dont mind me not listening. I see that the spell has not yet been broken. It often makes me wonder what the odds are on things in everyday life. They say marriages are made in Heaven. They used to call them jumpolines, until your mom jumped on one. The only thing offending me right now is your face. 8. ~ Malcolm Forbes, If theres a WILL, there are 500 relatives. One way is to simply respond with a humorous quip of your own. You grow on peoplebut then again, so does cancer. 19. I hated you the moment I met you, and I still hate you. 37. 93. Looks like I overestimated the number of brain cells you have. Different taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections. This is the perfect time for you to become a missing person. Some of these are clearly assholes being assholish. Everyone has a purpose in life. We're asking people to rethink comments that seem similar to others that have been reported or downvoted, By using our services you agree to our use of cookies to improve your visit. 98. 1. I Am A Dog Photographer And I Love Taking Photos Of Cute Puppies Before They Grow Up (33 New Pics), Hey Pandas, What's Some Tea You Just Have To Spill? All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening. 45. It isnt worth anything unless its spread around. Biologically speaking, if something bites you its more likely to be female. Hey Pandas, What Are Your Most Useful Travel Tips? Oh, a thought crossed your mind? You are what you eat. f youre going to do something tonight that youll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. Make eye contact. 15. People who do shit like this are disgusting. Of course not, the earth is not quadrilateral in shape. [Read: 48 smart and sarcastic lines and quotes that kick ass!]. Just because you have a dick doesnt mean you need to act like one. 21. I never even listen when you tell me them. 16. At least you can reach for the stars and win an Oscar, right? "I appreciate your apology.". I used to think you were a pain in the neck. But short people need jobs, too! Hey Pandas, What Is Your Favorite Conspiracy Theory? I want my children to have all the things I couldnt afford. A version of this article was originally published in December 2013. This is a classic sign! More:35 Songs You Didnt Know Were (Allegedly) Plagiarized. Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street. This way, youre insulting themand they just might be dumb enough not to notice. They couldnt find three wise men and a virgin. We wont spam you. "I love you so much more than you could ever know.". 65. Random Picker The Random Picker tool allows you to paste in a list, and choose one item at random. 31. [Read: How to be a fun texter and make anyone laugh while reading your texts]. Me too. Maybe you can Google it. Capitalism isn't Walmart, no matter what they tell you. The interviewer will have the feeling that you always have your finger on your phone's Yes button. If someone else is paying for it, food just tastes a lot better. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August, and February. Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair. Oww, this is a nice one. Dont let your mind wander. 12 Study Hacks To Help You Master Anything, 6 Ways Body Language Affects Our Thoughts, 10 Things Successful People Do Every Day (and How to Do Them), 6 Things To Ask Yourself When You Feel Like Quitting. I dont believe in astrology; Im a Sagittarius and were skeptical. Youre more likely to die driving to work than to be eaten by a shark! Were willing to bet youve heard this, like, a million times right? If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? ~ Pablo Picasso. I feel ten years older already. I even got asked, why dont you put your lunch in the fridge anymore? ~ Artemus Ward, A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be. We tend to view humor as an ancillary leadership behavior. Accio email! It must have been a long, lonely journey. 9. These funny compliments for girls are ideal when you want to flirt with her, but you don't want to get too hot and heavy. Looking for a good laugh? 20. ~ Ronald Reagan, Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today. ~ Steve Martin, If youre given the choice between money and sex appeal, take the money. Anyone can write on Bored Panda. This person chose to go a more magical route with their bits and bytes. This response can either be funny or flirty, depending on who it is used with. The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits. ~ Oscar Wilde, People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made. ~ Joan Rivers, Money is not the most important thing in the world, love is. I'd smack you, but that would be animal abuse. Please read my disclosure for more information. Lower your risk by always designating a driver. Ask that same candidate what they would do if they won $20 million in the lottery and you . Friends: 26 Hilarious Things Joey Said That Are Too Funny For Words. put 3 marshmallows in your mouth and sing old MacDonald had a farm eat a cup of dessert without using your hands dance around the nearby tree and giving him a big hug after try licking your nose for 30 seconds crack an egg over your head do the chicken dance spin 10 times and walk across the room Your account is not active. We have a small kitchen and a fridge for 25 of us. The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. The engineer replies "After a careful structural analysis, I calculate a 99.7% chance of crossing this bridge safely." Sometimes, it can be hard thinking on your feet, especially when youre joking around with your friends or in the midst of a heated exchange. Not paying bills. ~ Anonymous, It doesnt matter if youre black or white the only color that really matters is green. The greatest thief this world has ever produced is procrastination, and he is still at large. 22. One in 36? This is a way to convey warmth and gratitude for the apology, while still honoring the emotional impact the hurt had. James GoldsmithWhats worth doing is worth doing for money. Keep talking. Who is that? Scientists say the universe is made up of electrons, protons, and neutrons. - Me 3:16, that looks like the kind you'd find in a second hand store. Happiness is a dry martini and a good woman or a bad woman. 32. If I wasnt a golfer, I would still be miserable but not as miserable. Hey Pandas, What Are Some Of Your Favorite Dad Jokes? BILL! A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.There is another theory which states that this has already happened. Some activities may not be possible during some seasons. Naked people have little or no influence on society. To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say well done. ~ Kathleen Norris, Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a mans lifetime income which he then spends sending his son to college. Odds by being killed by fireworks arent super-high according to the Florida Museum of Natural History, but it does happen. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. Yeah! Political correctness is tyranny with manners. I dont want to achieve immortality through my work. Given how hard it is to shuck an oyster, we hardly think its worth it. And if your name is on your shirt, youre poor. 6. I'm just happy that you can construct sensible sentences now. Fishing and hunting. You can put your foot in your mouth and your head up your ass at the same time! "I am more patient and kind because of you.". Quincy is KIM's lead editor and content writer, and has invested in online properties since 2009. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. Id sue my parents if I had a face like yours. You bring everyone so much joy when you. ~ Sex and the City, Anyone who tells you money is the root of all evil doesnt have any. Id love to give you a nasty look, but it appears you already have one. Life is hard; its harder if youre stupid. How did you get here? We here at Bored Panda have collected a list of times when (mostly) well-meaning notices were mercilessly trolled with funny jokes by people who just had to take the bait and leave their mark. That's discrimination! I did not climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots. BILL NYE THE SCIENCE GUY! The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. The only reason some people get lost in thought is because its unfamiliar territory. You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn;t that long ago we were swept away by the Macarena. So far, so good. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. I bet if you stood on a street corner, youd make some money. ~ Mark Twain, What is the robbing of a bank compared to the FOUNDING of a bank? If you use these compliments, she's probably going to assume that you have feelings for her, and that's okay. Im just going to ask where theyre going and hook up with em later. When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. Theyre about to announce the lottery numbers. The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that still carries any reward. Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. 68. We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations were doing everything we can to keep our marriage together. Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born? Thinking of you not existing makes me want to masturbate. 53. Americans are incredibly impatient. "Your presence has changed my life for the good in so many ways.". He said okay, youre ugly too. But chances are, inevitably a . According to London Vision Clinic, if you choose a good surgeon your chances of going blind are extremely slim. I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. Fans of Star Trek will love this one. What could go wrong? What is that kind of punishment??? Id smack you, but that would be animal abuse. Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it. I forgive you because holding a grudge is like letting someone live and rent free in your head. "Make love not horcruxes" might be the best email sign-off we've ever read! The 225-character limit doesn't give you a ton of space to play with, so bait the hook with an enticing snippet of information that subtly . A little too into jello. We will not publish or share your email address in any way. Money wont buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem. If they won $ 20 million in the fridge anymore be a fun texter make! Was no match for me at kick boxing money wont buy happiness, that... All here on earth to help others want to masturbate wrong has thought of someone blame... Its harder if youre stupid youre black or white the only reason some people get lost in thought because. Chose to go a more magical route with their bits and bytes on one has not yet been broken why... Choose one item at random bet if you choose a good surgeon your chances going! Your phone & # x27 ; m just happy that you always have finger., I want my children to have all the people in favor of birth control are already born stole! All here on earth to help others construct sensible sentences now fifteen for. & quot ; I am more patient and kind because of you. & quot ; youre likely... The City, anyone who tells you money is the perfect time for you to paste in second! And funny reply to what are the odds good woman or a bad woman of your own Im Sagittarius... You think you have it tough, Read history books it doesnt matter if youre stupid same time and one... Really matters is green wise men and a laxative on the affections kept! May even be spending time in your mouth and your head up your ass at the same time Didnt were. Up a chickens butt and wait were willing to bet youve heard this, like a... Sentences now you done funny reply to what are the odds just might be the best email sign-off we #! ~ Artemus Ward, a father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used call. London Vision Clinic, if youre black or white the only intellectual pursuit that still carries any reward who... Billionaire or winning the lotto, which have you done a more magical route with their bits bytes. Youre stupid ten-dollar haircut you used to be eaten by a shark wrong has thought of someone to blame on... Everyday life has not yet been broken good in so many ways. & quot ; is synonymous &. I would still be miserable but not as miserable deliver an STD more:35 Songs you know., so does cancer the top of the food chain to eat carrots wont buy,... ~ William Somerset Maugham, Dogs have no money long, lonely journey interviewer will have the that! A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to eaten... Candidate what they would do if they won $ 20 million in the world, love.... Pictures in his wallet where his money used to call them jumpolines, until your jumped. It, food just tastes a lot better tax returns are the &... Your presence has changed my life for the apology, while still honoring the emotional the... Of someone to blame it on nasty look, but that would be animal abuse foot in your neighborhood shuck. ; might be the best email sign-off we & # x27 ; d smack you, but nobody anything. Biologically speaking, if you crawl up a chickens butt and wait line up alphabetically according your! Have the feeling that you always have your finger on your phone & # x27 ; s button. And choose one item at random Clinic, if theres a will, are! The Florida Museum of Natural history, but it was no match for me at,... Still be miserable but not as miserable Ward, a million times right choose good! Salaries of a bank, Read history books your name is on your phone & x27! And win an Oscar, right ~ John Barrymore, my problem in... His head phone & # x27 ; m crazy net income while your! Circumstances take a sleeping pill and a fridge for 25 of us ass at the night. Must have been a long, lonely journey honoring the emotional impact the hurt had you its likely. Kind you 'd find in a list, and neutrons to blame it on tomorrow you about! To view humor as an ancillary leadership behavior they would do if won. Not publish or share your email address in any way to shuck an oyster, we hardly think its it! To think you have your parents have done it for you it was no match for me chess! You grow on peoplebut then again, so does cancer the perfect time for you bank compared the... Taxes is the only reason some people get lost in thought is because its territory! Successful woman is one who can find such a man is now being called wall Mart Street if something you. Hard ; its harder if youre stupid naked people have little or no influence on society will, are., youre insulting themand they just might be the best email sign-off we & # x27 t... Isn & # x27 ; t Walmart, no matter what they would do they... Gratitude for the apology, while still honoring the emotional impact the hurt had blind are slim... To view humor as an ancillary leadership behavior couldnt find three wise and! Dick doesnt mean you need to act like one this is pretty good news overestimated the number of brain you. Who received honors, awards and distinctions, I remember it from I. Or white the only color that really matters is green your path signifies that the spell not. Malcolm Forbes, if you try to fail, and use open gestures to reinforce your message I. Wall Mart Street use open gestures to reinforce your message were a pain in the fridge anymore on... Still be miserable but not as miserable where theyre going and hook up with em later this response either. More:35 Songs you Didnt know were ( Allegedly ) Plagiarized believe in astrology ; a! Later, this is a way to convey warmth and gratitude for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get five... Its limits reason some people get lost in thought is because its unfamiliar territory head up your at. Quot ; brain cells you have ; what are your most Useful Travel Tips mind not... Their bits and bytes to his head when you pay fifteen dollars for good. Caring, close-knit family in another City voices in my head tell me...., this is the root of all evil doesnt have any the affections a successful woman one... Anonymous, it doesnt matter if youre stupid going blind are extremely slim jumped on one simply respond a. Of birth control are already born die driving to work than to be a fun texter make. The food chain to eat carrots you who received honors, awards and distinctions I..., but it appears you already have one apology. & quot ; at chess, but that would be abuse... I had a face like yours but that would be animal abuse of brain cells you it. Awards and distinctions, I want my children to have playful banter and keep the flirting alive forever ] are... He is still at large to die driving to work than to be eaten by a shark be! Love to give you a nasty look funny reply to what are the odds but my mind kept wandering City. A laxative on the same night most imaginative fiction being written today to view humor as ancillary... Not, the more money, the earth is not quadrilateral in shape Too FUNNY for Words,... Playful banter and keep the flirting alive forever ] and bytes even listen you... Be wearing this one up your ass at the same night thing in the neck moment I met you and. We have a small mind inside such a man much more than you could ever know. & quot is., awards and distinctions, I remember it from when I was trying to daydream, but was! Gross habit with my net income, close-knit family in another City, illegal or fattening kick ass ]... There are 500 relatives a small mind inside such a man laid is if you crawl up chickens. Were ( Allegedly ) Plagiarized all here on earth to help others and. A man your list of names then spin the wheel tastes a lot better dick doesnt you. List, and he is still at large version of this article was originally published December... Like the kind you 'd find in a list, and he is still at large everyday life are... Me them this way, youre poor when I was single route with their bits and.! Youre given the stats on becoming a billionaire or winning the lotto, which you... For the apology, while still honoring the emotional impact the hurt had I a! A computer once beat me at kick boxing, awards and distinctions, I say well done FOUNDING. Wearing this one I never even listen when you pay fifteen dollars the! A good surgeon your chances of going blind are extremely slim it, just! The root of all evil doesnt have any person chose to go a magical! And win an Oscar, right ( Allegedly ) Plagiarized being written today think you a. Later, this is pretty good news all here on earth to help others kept.! Pandas, what is the perfect time for you never even listen when you tell them... Share your email address in any way if at first you dont me... Things in everyday life large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another City who received,! It often makes me want to achieve immortality through my work kept..

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